


The way you said “I love you."

by caisha



Series: for it is not permitted that we stay [6]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Prompt Fill, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-03-21 04:40:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13733346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caisha/pseuds/caisha
Summary: All the ways Reylo has said 'I love you' first.These will be unrelated one-shots. Each prompt topic is the chapter title, ranging from fluffy to angsty. Some are smut, noted at the top of each chapter.





	1. Loud, so everyone can hear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for prompt #15, "Loud, so everyone can hear."
> 
> Romance/Angst. Rated T.

Kylo watched her gliding in someone else's arms, painfully aware of a time years ago when that could have been him; had he not been such a fuck-up.

He ran a hand through his hair as he tugged on his tie, stifled by his emotions, eyes fixated on the happy couple.

"Hey everyone! Gonna take a bit of a break now, eat some cake and rest your feet," one of the band members' was talking through the audio system and broke his concentration - fixation, really.

Rey smiled and pointed towards the doorway and he kissed her cheek as she left, Kylo's eyes tracked her and his feet began following without a second thought. He didn't have the best reputation for thinking things through, but he knew without a doubt he would pay for this soon - and painfully.

He pushed the doors open and looked at either side of the hallway, empty of people - Rey was nowhere to be seen, but he took off in a direction. No one ever called him indecisive - no one except for her, of course.

Kylo ran by a pillar and nearly turned down the next hallway when he heard her voice.

"What are you doing here, Kylo?"

His body froze and he turned slowly, taking her in; she had looked so blissfully happy as she left the room, but up close he could see in her eyes the toll everything was taking on her.

"You invited me," he said simply.

Rey rolled her eyes and pushed off the pillar she had been leaning against, "Don't be obtuse - I mean what are you doing  _ here -  _ were you following me?"

He took a step towards her and watched as her body tensed up - he froze midstep before answering, "I don't know - just felt I had to follow you."

She laughed almost bitterly, a sound that didn't suit her and made him flinch as she pushed off and began walking back towards the doorway to the party.

"That's just like you, Kylo," she spat his name and he realized with a start she was still miraculously talking to him and he jolted forward, jogging slightly to walk beside her. "You never know  _ anything.  _ That's the problem isn't it?"

"Are we really having this conversation again? I thought we were past that - I mean you invited me  _ here  _ for Christ's sake." He clenched his fists, not knowing what he had expected - they hadn't talked in years until he got the invitation. He had been stunned, but his mother had shrugged and then demanded he go.

"I never thought you'd actually show up!" She stopped and pushed at his chest with her fists, " _ Damn you,  _ Kylo. Can't you just for once do what I need you to do?"

He grabbed her wrists, holding them against his chest, "What do you want from me, if not to show up and see you happy?"

She had avoided his eyes nearly the whole time, but finally raised them and Kylo saw tears threatening. His heart stopped and he reached out to brush his fingers across her neck and push her hair off her face.

"Rey," he whispered, imploring her to tell him what she wanted. He was so selfish - she had always told him, always been clear about it. And he had always denied her. "I've missed you."

It was those words that broke the spell and she let out a cry of anger, ripping her hands from him and walking swiftly through the doorway, back to her guests. Kylo's hands clenched, confused for once.  _ She just wanted you to say goodbye, Kylo. _

His mother's words vibrated inside of him and he bitterly rebelled against it. He had made mistakes, but this was one he couldn't let pass him; following her through the doorway, he saw her walking across the now-empty dancefloor.

"I love you," he shouted across the voices of the guests, watching them freeze as their eyes tracked between the bride and the mysterious stranger.

Kylo watched as she walked over to him slowly, with awe on her face. He swallowed and tried to tune out the murmuring, tried to slip on his emotionless mask he was so familiar with. But he couldn't - not after he had told her his deepest darkest secret. She finally stood in front of him, neither of them saying anything after his shout, and she stunned him as her left hand whipped out and smacked him on the cheek. The newly-fitted wedding rings left a slice across it from the cut gems, but he could barely feel it as he stared at her in silent question.

"It's a bit late for that, isn't it Kylo?"  _ You had your chance,  _ her face told him.

He ignored the sting and the feeling of blood dripping from the cut, "It's never too late, Rey - that's what you always said right? That there was always a chance to do the right thing."

Rey's lips parted slightly as he watched her anger fade, as she replaced it with curiosity - and hope, perhaps. Kylo hoped it was that.

"I was everything you said I was - reckless, indecisive, scared. No one was ever right about me - no one but you," he implored her with his eyes, even as he watched her new husband walk up behind her and place his hand on her shoulder. "I'm not scared anymore, that's why I came. To tell you that, and…say goodbye."

"But that's not what you said," she whispered.

Her husband's hands slipped off her shoulder and he walked towards Kylo who took a step back, holding his hands up, but eyes locked on Rey's, ignoring her husband's words. "No, it's not."


	2. When I am dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt #28, "When I am dead"
> 
> Angst. Rated G.

A small hand reached out to feel the cool marble, fingers tracing the name on the gravestone. Everyone had already left - she had pretend to as well, but couldn't bring herself to do it. No one would have understood why she wanted to stay.

_Ben Solo  
_ _The Lost One  
_ _5 ABY - 40 ABY_ __  


Rey sobbed as she remembered when he had told them what he wanted it to say. He had fought with his mother on the name, but she won eventually - he had been her Ben again, in the end. Ben hadn't thought he deserved it, that he deserved to be known forever as Kylo Ren, the interrogator and butcher of the First Order. Rey never thought they would have to do it so soon, she thought that Ben was just being fatalistic when they were talking about epitaphs and what they should put on each other's.

She took another gulp of the firewater she had smuggled in her bag, sliding down to sit and stare at the grave.

"You were a caustic jerk, Ben Solo." She glared at the dirt from the newly dug grave, "I wish I could hate you still."

Her knees pulled up to her chest and she rested her cheek against them, remembering only a few days ago - when he had said goodbye to her. Not that she had known it at the time.

_"I wanted to thank you, Rey. For everything you've done to help me." They were packing up the supplies for the move to Chandrila, where the new government was positioned again. His home planet._

_Rey shrugged, "I was just doing my job, it was what the Resistance needed - you're the one that demanded it, after all."_

_Ben had sighed and nodded, but she noticed his fingers twisting around nervously - that was not an emotion Rey was used to seeing with him._

_"I know, but all the same. Thank you. I don't know what I would have been without you."_

_Her heart pulled and thumped in her chest, but she remained resolute and said nothing. Her eyes flitted up to meet his once as she nodded her acceptance, but that was it._

_Ben gave her a rare, soft smile, "I have to take care of some things. I'll see you around, Rey of Jakku."_

"Jackass _,"_ she screamed as she threw the bottle of firewater against the tree, shattering it, watching the liquid drip down slowly.

"Why didn't anybody tell me?" Rey whispered, even though she knew the answer, now. It had been part of the peace accord that had been signed - _that he had negotiated._ Kylo Ren was to be executed for crimes against the galaxy, along with the rest of the command of the First Order.

Leia said he hadn't even fought them on it when they came to him with it, that he had accepted it as due course. On one exception - that no one was to know about it until the day of execution. And that was when _she_ found out too - when they had read his name and he had stepped out, free of chains, resolute. She had screamed his name, not caring if anyone heard and wondered why.

He had refused to meet her eyes.

Rey's hands dug into the fresh dirt of the grave they had dug, those who had wanted to pay their respects for the small good he had done in spite of it all. Her nails broke through small roots as she felt the cool earth in her palms as she knelt over the grave, finally giving in to the sobs that had been threatening the entire time.

No one had known. Not even him, in the end. A tear rolled down her face and dripped onto her hand as she sniffled and stared at the phrase, _The Lost One._

"I loved you, Ben Solo."

Unknown to her, on the other side of the tree stood a man in shades of blue, looking almost like a projection.

"I loved you, too, Rey."


	3. on a post-it note

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt #33, "On a post-it note."
> 
> Romance/Fluff. Rated G.

"I made your lunch for you," he said nonchalantly as if that wasn't supposed to be a complete shock. Rey snickered once she recovered from the surprise.

"Your first night sleeping over and already you've become domesticated?"

He shrugged, but she could see the tips of his ears coloring a bit at her words. Rey felt bad at the teasing and stood on her tip toes to kiss his cheek.

"Thank you, that was very thoughtful." He knew she didn't like to go out to eat, said it was too much money, and their date had run into the long hours of the morning. It hadn't left time for her to do much before work except shower.

She had pouted a little when he didn't join her, but she realized why now and her heart melted even more somehow.

Kylo slipped the container into her bag as she rooted around looking for her keys, holding it out for her to grab when she found them. She made a move to the door, but Kylo tugged her back to him. Her breaths were coming fast from the hurry she was in, but as always as soon as he touched her, the world stood still.

He froze her with his eyes and hands as they framed her face, watching him bend down slowly and capture her lips for a long kiss goodbye.

She hummed against his lips and sighed softly as he pulled away, small smirk on his face at her reaction. "Oh Kylo, I do love you."

It wasn't the first time she had said it to him, but it was the first time he didn't freeze upon hearing the words. Instead he just looked at her intensely until she pulled away with a smile.

"I'm going to be late! I'll see you tonight?" She waited to see his nod before running out of her apartment, knowing he would lock up for her when he left for his own place.

Hours later, she curled up on the couch in her office and opened the lunch he had prepared. Carrots, ranch, a honey and peanut butter sandwich, and fruity granola bar. It was certainly not the kind of food he ate, but the fact that he knew her well enough to pack her lunch for her made her feel warm. She picked up her phone to text him about it, but caught sight of a slip of paper under the wrapped sandwich.

Curious, she pulled it off the bottom and read the words,  _ I love you, have a good day  _ written on it.

In Kylo's handwriting.

Delirious laughter bubbled up from within her as she sent him a text.

_ Got your note. You're a jerk! _

_ Just this morning you were lauding me for being such a great domesticated boyfriend, though. _

_ But now I have to wait hours to hear you say it, that's not nice. _

A knock was at her door and she shouted to come in; the door opened quickly and Kylo stepped through, black suit immaculate and looking like he hadn't lost a bit of sleep unlike her.

Her jaw dropped to the floor - he  _ never  _ came to her office, it was too risky. But here he was, walking towards her with a soft look on his face.

"I thought you would say that," he spoke, referencing her earlier lament. "I was waiting for you."

Rey felt the double meaning in his words and held out her hand, watching as he took it and sat next to her. His long fingers stroked her hand as he summoned the strength, and she waited - would always wait for him to be ready. To be sure.

Kylo looked at her finally and kissed her cheek and as he pulled away, whispered in her ear. "I love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not super great at fluff and always find a way to make it a bit dramatic/angsty so hopefully this worked out...


	4. Over and over again, till it’s nothing but a senseless babble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt #16, "Over and over again, till it’s nothing but a senseless babble."
> 
> Smut. Rated E.

It had been a year since they had last touched each other, separated by distance, emotion, and ideology - but Rey still shuddered under his touch. And Kylo still knew all the right buttons to press, push, and lick.

"You missed me," he whispers into her skin as he kissed her stomach, tight from her constant training. It wasn't even a question, just a statement - he knew exactly how she felt, more than she did sometimes.

He knew all her weaknesses and instead of responding she arched into him as his fingers twisted deep inside of her, thumb grazing her clit making her whimper.

Kylo nipped at her hipbone as he went lower, "You can't even speak you're so needy. Does he not satisfy you?"

Rey tensed at the acknowledgement that Kylo knew more than she wanted him to know. He growled as she stopped her reactions to him, raising his head to stare at her, "You're with  _ me  _ right now, Rey."

With her name he pinched her clit and made her cry out, panting as she bent her legs towards her chest in silent prostration, begging him for  _ more.  _ Always more. She didn't know how they had lasted a year without each other, without this.

He finally reached her promised land and placed a soft kiss on her clit before the tip of his tongue circled around it slowly, flicking over it every so often. The mewls coming out of her were tinged with pain and frustration, the ever presence of  _ more  _ \- but he always teased her this way. Making her remember who she really belonged to, under the ministrations of his hands and tongue, until she was nothing but liquid in his hands.

His tongue pushed between her folds as he gripped her thighs suddenly, large hands pushing them hard to the side down into the bed as he licked and sucked his way to her orgasm.

Rey could only pant and stare down at him, dark hair spread between her legs, Kylo's eyes closed as he devoured her. Her head flopped back onto the bed, eyes slamming shut as his teeth grazed her clit again. It went on for minutes, the slow thrusting and licking of her pussy combined with small bites around her lips and clit. The pattern was maddening - thrust, curl, lick, suck, nip - over and over again in silence until she felt it build up in the pit of her stomach, the heat and urge between her legs.

Rey could barely stand it and grabbed his hair, trying to push him off. He growled and his fingernails dug into her thighs as he quickened his pace. He never let her go, knew she could never see herself through to orgasm without him to push her through.

She screamed as it hit, clenching her fist in his hair as her other hand dug into the bed, "Fuck! Kylo, mmm."

He kept at it, knowing the next wave was coming; she sobbed, he knew her so well as her hands went to her nipples, pulling the hard tips as she felt the second one build. Her hips were thrusting into him still, and his hand shifted to circle her clit, brushing up and down on it.

"Oh!" The word escaped her as her second orgasm hit. "Oh, I love you."

His licks slowed down as she rode it out, and he climbed up her body and the only words she could find were  _ I love you I love I love you.  _ He said nothing as he leaned down to kiss her, hungrily, her cum mixed with his. She didn't know how he could still use his tongue after that, sucking on it and tasting herself. He broke away and stared at her, but Rey pushed him against her neck as she murmured the words again.

"I love you," she said as his lips met her neck.

"I love you," she said when his teeth sucked on it to leave a mark.

"I love you," she said as his hand found hers, fingers entwining and squeezing in silent response, holding for dear life.

"I love you," she said as he pushed his cock into her and she sobbed for how right it felt.

"I love you," she said as she fell asleep in his arms later that night.

"I love you," he said as she walked away the next morning, once she was out of sight.


	5. without really meaning it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The "I love you" one with #24, please ♡  
> Without really meaning it

"Kylo, this has to end," she begged as she stood in front of his desk. It was late at night, as it always was when they met like this - after hours. Rey had gone over and over it in her mind the entire day, ignoring all of his messages and covert looks, twisting the new ring on her finger around and around.

"But I love you," he said simply, as a child would say please when you asked for the magic word that would get them what they wanted. His eyes watched her fiddle nervously with the diamond ring on her finger and said nothing more.

She stared at him, frowning at the empty words. "Liar."

Kylo sat there behind his desk, watching her placidly, barely flinching at her accusation, "I don't think you want to go around accusing me of lying, Rey. You're not exactly speaking from a place of moral superiority."

"You don't even know what love is, you're just saying it because you think it's what I want to hear." She had ignored his words and barreled through as they were meant to throw her off balance so she wouldn't see through him. But they had known each other too deeply - too intensely - for her to fall for it now.

Kylo's jaw clenched and moved as he tried to stay calm, as if he wasn't losing the incredible woman in front of him - to that man. He had begged her not to say yes, had tried everything he could to sway her to his side, but nothing worked. And so he had even told her he loved her, that was supposed to work on women, wasn't it? But she had always been different compared to the other women he was with. But he thought even Rey would want to hear that.

"Don't you?"

She flinched at his almost innocent question, "You're using it to manipulate me, Kylo - can't you see that? Don't you understand?" Her voice broke a little, the desperate need for him to understand and let her go coming through.

He stood up gracefully, his desk chair gliding back, hands moving to button his suit jacket as he looked everywhere but her as he picked up his phone.

"I thought we had an understanding, Rey. An engagement doesn't change anything."

"It changes everything," she cried out in anger, gritting her teeth as he moved around the desk and pulled up in front of her. "He loves me, Kylo. Please let this end, let me go."

His hard eyes watched her. Normally he loved when she begged, but this had a flavor of bitterness he wasn't fond of. Kylo stepped closer to her, his large body nearly pressed against hers as he looked down at her intensely.

"You might be right, that I don't know what love is. But I know what devotion is - and whatever you may think you have with him, it's not that. You'll never have with him what we have."

Rey found herself unable to pull away from his eyes, unable to ignore the words, and ground out a response that gave away far too much, "At least he'll never hurt me."

"Oh Rey," he said softly, bending to kiss the corner of her lips before stepping towards the door to leave. "And you called me a liar."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had already posted this on tumblr when I wrote it (almost a year ago lool) but forgot to update this story with them. So here you go! Have some sadness.
> 
> poke me on twitter/tumblr:
> 
> https://twitter.com/reylosource  
> http://reylosource.tumblr.com


	6. broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Number 26, destroy meeeeeee 😭  
> 26\. for the drabble please!  
> Broken, as you clutch the sleeve of my jacket and beg me not to leave

"Ren, you know the Kenobi girl?" Hux asked nonchalantly as they sat at the conference table in the Partners' lounge.

Kylo tensed at the question - it seemed innocent enough, but with Hux nothing was ever one dimensional. He always had an angle. "No, should I?"

Hux sniffed a little at the casual response, "One of the first years, straight off the subway from NYU. Didn't you do the interviews this year, you should remember her."

Oh he remembered her, the soft yellow dress and red flats - a shot of color in the dark array of business suits on both the men and the women lined up to interview at his firm. She had piqued his curiosity with her smile, but with her first answer she had won him with her words. 

Rey was smarter than any other lawyer he had ever spoken with, and had somehow made it through law school in New York City with her softness and compassion intact. Kylo hadn't been able to stop thinking about her after they had made their job offers.

"It's hard for me to remember all the boring lawyers we hire, Hux." He kept his tone bored, trying to compensate for the intensity of emotion that he felt for the topic of discussion. "Besides, the interviews were months ago, why would I remember some NYU scavenger begging for scraps? They're all just grunts who do our research."

Hux's eyes flicked up to look out the wide window overlooking Central Park and smiled.

"Come on now, Ren - she was on our team for the Miller case a month ago. Brown hair, bright smile, had that idea about proposing the friend as an alternative theory?"

It was clear that Hux wouldn't drop it anytime soon unless Kylo gave him something, so he relented. "Ah yes, Rey was it? Pretty little thing, wouldn't mind striking one of our deals with her, if you know what I mean."

"Don't pretend like you haven't already, Ren - I know you've already chosen her as your own personal first year." His voice lowered as he emphasized the word personal, lacing it with implication. "Does she know?"

"Know what, Hux?" He was beginning to get more agitated, not sure why the sudden curiosity. Kylo threw a folder down on the table in exasperation.

"That you always choose one of the new girls to break in. A very special kind of initiation from their very own Senior Partner. Does she know you'll send her away when you're done with her?"

The sound of glass shattering was mixed with a loud gasp, causing Kylo's head to whip towards the open doorway, immediately meeting the broken face of Rey. A caustic laugh behind him let him know that Hux had very much been aware of the girl's presence, baiting him into the line of conversation. Barbed hooks that would hurt more being pulled out than going in.

But all he cared about was erasing that look on her face, the broken look that spoke of betrayal. "Rey…"

He stood up as he uttered her name and she sobbed, dropping the folders she had been carrying and turning to run. Cursing, he took off after her, leaving the sniveling Hux behind him. There was only one exit - the reception area with both stairs and elevators.

Kylo's feet slid across the glossy marble floor of the reception area, immediately spotting her pressing the button for the elevator. 

"Rey!" He shouted desperately, pulling looks from waiting clients and the reception staff. He knew soon there would be even more of his employees surrounding them, curious about why a senior partner was chasing after some first year.

She turned to him, a shocked look on her face as she heard her name and watched him run to her, eyes glancing at the people around. He had always been very careful at work, so no one would know about them - it was something she had wanted, too - whispers of sleeping her way to the top would have not done her career any favors, no matter how untrue they were. Hux clearly hadn't been fooled, and Kylo cursed the day he had brought that man into the firm.

"I don't want to talk to you right now," Rey ground out, eyes red-rimmed already.

"Please, what you heard - it's not true."

Rey laughed blackly, "Isn't it?"

Swallowing, he responded, "I mean, it was, but not-"

"Oh don't even try to say it, Kylo. Don't be so cliché," her voice held a bitterness that he hated causing. "I'm yet another girl who you've fooled into believing she was special, aren't I? Can't you just admit it?"

Kylo began to pace, his hand running through his hair as he walked back and forth between the elevators. The one she had called had long since left, ignored by both of them. Reception was deathly silent except for the scuff of his shoes.

"Look, yes I usually fucked my way through the first years, okay? It's who I am, there's no reason for it - but with you," he looked at her imploringly. "It wasn't like that, I promise. We're so much more than that now, you feel it I know you do."

Rolling her eyes, Rey went to hit the down button again and Kylo skidded in between it and her, blocking her way.

"Get out of my way, Kylo. You can't stop me from leaving," she said firmly, and he was surprised at how well she was keeping it together considering how many eyes were watching - and what a mess he was himself.

"I just need you to listen to me," he begged. "Please, I'm sorry - so sorry."

Rey simply stared at him, her lip wavering as her arms gripped each other across her body, shielding her from his influence and the stares. Without a single word, she turned from him and took a few steps. Kylo realized she was headed for the stairs, accepting he wouldn't let her leave the easy way.

"No!" He cried out and lunged out for her hand, grabbing it as he fell to his knees. He found feel the shocked gasps and murmurs, but all he had time for was her. "Rey, please, don't leave like this."

"I just need time, Kylo, you can't expect me to immediately be ready to listen to you."

He knew that, but he was selfish and needed absolution, so held on to her and pulled her closer to him. Kylo's arms wrapped around her waist and he pressed his forehead into her stomach, silently praying that she would take pity on the broken man in front of her.

"Please, Rey," his low voice said into her dress. "I love you, please don't leave me."

Her hands went to her mouth in surprise and long moments passed as he pressed into her, nearly suffocating himself. But slowly, so slowly, he felt hands touch his hair hesitantly and then with more confidence, running through it soothingly.

"Kylo," she finally said quietly after a minute of her ministrations. "You need to let me go, give me some time."

He squeezed her one last time before pulling away, hands dropping down to rest on his thighs. Kylo looked up at her and sighed at her grace, how she soothed his soul. Finally he nodded and felt her walk around him. He couldn't bear to look at her as she waited, listening until the door finally beeped open and she stepped inside. The doors closed and finally he raised his eyes and faced the dozens of curious looks from employees and clients.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had already posted this on tumblr when I wrote it (almost a year ago lool) but forgot to update this story with them. So here you go!
> 
> poke me on twitter/tumblr:
> 
> https://twitter.com/reylosource  
> http://reylosource.tumblr.com


	7. with a hoarse voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2? ;>  
> With a hoarse voice, under the blankets

"Kylo, honestly," Rey's voice struggled along with her body as she attempted to support her 6'4" boyfriend into his apartment. "How did you even get down the stairs if you can barely walk two feet without me?"

Kylo groaned, head lolling back as he pushed off of her and leaned into the wall in the hallway, hands grasping it as he followed it to his bedroom door.

"I didn't want," his voice was raspy as he turned his head to let out a large sneeze. "To disappoint you. We've had this night planned all month."

Rey huffed as she followed him as he stumbled into the room and onto his excessively large bed, "Only you would convince yourself that I'd rather you make yourself even more sick to the point where you can't even walk than stay in bed and get healthy."

Whatever he said in response was muffled by the pillow he had pushed his face into as he sprawled face-down on the bed. She sighed and pulled his shoes and socks off, being sure to place the shoes on his cleaning rack and the socks in the proper hamper. The last thing she wanted was for him to wake up distraught by misplaced laundry, not forgetting the first time she had spent the night.

She looked at the suit he was wearing and bit her lip, wondering if it would be inappropriate to take it off so he could sleep better. Without waiting too long, she leaned over to unclasp his belt and pulled off his pants, placing the duvet cover over him as congested snores began almost immediately.

A few hours later, Rey padded back into the room, armed from her short trip to the store with theraflu and other assorted medicines. Kylo's body moved a little as she sat on the edge of the bed, her hand rubbing his back under the covers.

He didn't respond, so she began placing everything on the nightstand, humming softly into the silence. A hand reaching for hers startled her, but he gripped it and brushed his thumb across it, tugging her down.

"Rey," he spoke for the first time in four hours, voice raspy with sleep and sickness. "I love you, you know that right?"

He was still buried under the duvet she had placed over him, but she heard him clear enough and smiled. Laughing gently, she squeezed his hand. "I know that, Kylo. Go back to sleep, I'll be here when you wake up."

With more strength than she thought he still had, he threw the covers open and tugged her down to lay beside him, covering them both back up. Freeing her hand, she brushed matted hair off his face, eyes closed again in contentment as she curled towards him. 

Her thumb brushed against his cheek as he began snoring again, so unusually vulnerable like this. 

"I love you, too, Kylo."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had already posted this on tumblr when I wrote it (almost a year ago lool) but forgot to update this story with them. So here you go! Have some sadness.
> 
> poke me on twitter/tumblr:
> 
> https://twitter.com/reylosource  
> http://reylosource.tumblr.com


	8. from very far away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Number 18 for the ask thingy--  
> From very far away

It had barely been 24 hours since she had closed the falcon's door on Crait, simultaneously pushing Kylo out of her mind. There had been no further contact, and as she stared at the multitude of people trying to find a new home for the Resistance all she felt in this moment was shame.

Shame that she was even keeping track of how long it had been since she'd spoken with Kylo - The Supreme Leader - and maybe slightly because she was keeping their connection a secret. 

But that was not shame. That was survival - these were her friends, who came to rescue her when no one else ever had, and yet there was a pull inside of her whenever she thought about telling them about the force bond between her and the leader of the First Order. It was warning her against it, and while she hadn't had much proper training, she knew that it was a feeling she should probably listen to - the instinct that had guided her all her life. Force-guided, surely.

And so she worked alongside her family, over the weeks when they landed at their new base, building and repairing relationships and ships alike - all the time schooling her face and emotions whenever news of the First Order hit the waves.

He hadn't even tried to reach out again, and Rey should have felt glad, but she couldn't deny the hope in her soul - that Ben Solo would come back to them. To her. 

They both had a role to play in this future.

But with each passing day, she lost a little bit of hope.

One night, as she sat cross-legged on the floor of her room staring at the broken shards of Anakin's lightsaber and kyber crystal, she slipped into a meditative state - attempting to seek out the balance of the force as she had on Ahch-To. Time passed, she couldn't say how much, and then she heard tapping and her breathing picked up - deepening and echo-like.

Rey opened her eyes to look for the source of the tapping and saw him, sitting at some desk in his quarters, reading a holopad. His fingers tapped against the desk slowly, methodically. He hadn't felt her connect with him yet, but she was so shocked she scrambled away, pressing against the edge of her own bed. She watched Kylo's body freeze at the sound, but he didn't turn to look. All she could see was the muscles of his neck bulging, and she knew he was clenching and moving his mouth.

"Rey," was all he said before he turned to look at her, face masked of emotion. "What are you doing?"

Her shock wore off at his confusion and she snapped back, "I'm not here on purpose."

Kylo nodded as if expected that to be the case, and got up and walked to a decanter, pouring some kind of liquid into a cup and gulping it down. She got the sense he was desperately avoiding looking at her.

"I suppose the Force decided it was time, then. We'll just have to wait it out, won't last long and then you can continue hating and plotting against me."

Rey scrambled to her feet, "Your arrogance is unbelievable, Ben." She watched his back as his body shuddered, "I'm not against you, I'm against the First Order's goals-"

He turned around and looked at her dead on finally, cutting her off in surprise, taking a few long moments before speaking, "The First Order's goals and mine are the same, Rey. They always have been - the galaxy needs order and leadership. The Republic was a disaster - even my mother was going to give up the fight. Our methods have been questionable, but the goals are right. If you're against them, then you're against me."

"It doesn't have to be so black and white Ben, I can want to stop the First Order and still want-"

Kylo stepped towards her so their bodies were almost touching, they had never been this close through the bond and she felt the heat from his body surround her and was alarmed.

"Want what, Rey? You've made it fairly clear you didn't want what I offered - which was everything. To join me, be with me."

She gulped back tears from being so emotionally torn, she didn't know how to make him understand - he wasn't the problem. Her breathing picked up as he raised his hand slowly - agonizingly so - he was going to try to touch her, cup the side of her face and she could feel the heat - she remembered what it was like on Ahch-To.

All she could do was stare at him, eyes locked and filled with tears, their breathing syncopated, and then right before his palm pressed against her cheek, she confessed the feeling that had brought her the most shame in the days after Crait. She had kept it locked tight, even Leia hadn't suspected. 

But staring at her son, open and vulnerable as he always seemed to be with her, she finally let it free.

"I love you."

His hand froze, not quite touching her, but not moving away. Rey could hardly believe she had told him the darkest secret she had - it felt like minutes had passed but she knew it was merely seconds. She watched his throat swallow, but before he could respond they were ripped away, the sounds of her own base surrounding her and she knew the connection had broken.

That night, she dreamt of a different ending - the hope blooming in her chest once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had already posted this on tumblr when I wrote it (almost a year ago lool) but forgot to update this story with them. So here you go! Have some sadness.
> 
> poke me on twitter/tumblr:
> 
> https://twitter.com/reylosource  
> http://reylosource.tumblr.com


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